Congratulations! You have taken an important first step to being, or raising a child, North Dakotan.
The easy part, be it conception, court hearing, or military assignment, is done. Now begins the long and thankless work of not becoming an embarrassment or a ward of the great Peace Garden State.
But being North Dakotan is not for everybody.
If you are in possession of this guide you likely came by it one of six ways:
1) You are North Dakotan and want your child’s values and character to represent those of the great state of North Dakota.
2) You fled North Dakota at an early age to “have a life” but remain nostalgic for the place all your current friends and acquaintances mock and deride as an expansive backwater where the film “Fargo” came from.
3) You are in the Air Force.
4) You have a friend or relative in North Dakota with a sense of humor who, most likely, knows or has met the author of the book and, possibly, was made to feel some degree of pressure about how this book is an excellent baby shower, Christmas, birthday, Passover, Kwanza, or Martin Luther King Jr. Day present for those living far away. Anyway, Mazel Tov! Or as they say in North Dakota, mazeltaaaf!
5) You find having a guide to becoming North Dakota amusing and "ironic" because you are condescending. Incidentally, how's Minneapolis life?
6) You acquired it used, the book having been endorsed by whoever left it in the stall where you’re now sitting.
No matter which of these wild generalizations best exactly fits your personal situation, know that this guide to becoming North Dakotan has been designed to provide every individual with a personalized system tuned to his or her unique character so that all who use it will end up exactly the same.
Follow these steps and you and/or your child will grow into a strong North Dakotan, even if you are too selfish or vitamin-D deficient to actually live there. Know that just by purchasing this book and making the effort, you have accomplished more than most panda bears. In the exhausting and demanding days and weeks and months and years and decades ahead, all of which are sure to try your very soul, always remember that no matter how poor a North Dakotan you or your child turns out to be, you, he or she is already better off than a Minnesotan.
About the North Dakota Guide
The North Dakotan guide embodies the values and traits characteristic to, and valued by, North Dakotans, just as the Dr. Spock method embodies the values and qualities characteristic of Star Trek. As stated earlier, the North Dakotan guide described in this book is not for everyone. It is demanding. It is physical. It is, at times, cruel. Often, it may even seem filled with hypocrisy. If statistics are to be believed—as they generally are outside of North Dakota—the method and its stress on modesty will probably rarely to great fame or fortune. On the other hand, you and your child will grow up physically and mentally robust and, thanks to never expecting much out of life, be better prepared than almost any other American for hard times and the inevitable zombie apocalypse. In short, a North Dakotan is a well rounded person in the sense that he or she is well-mannered, humble, polite, proud, independent, learned and thanks to starchy diets and long winters, actually round.
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Section Index
• An Introduction to North Dakota• Geografy: It's not Spelling
• Maps of North Dakota's Malls
• Naming
• North Dakotan Zoology
• Cold Weather: Training and Preparedness
• Religion. Yes Please
• Athletics
• Shame: A Foundation
• Language and Diction
• Manners: The Foundation of North Dakota's Unsurpassable and Envied Humility
• Allowance: The Property Tax of Parenthood
• Pregnancy: A North Dakota Condition
• The North Dakotan Hobby: Surviving Winter
• "Back in My Day…"
• The Worldly North Dakotan
• Proper Nutrition for the North Dakotan Child
• Role Models: Famous North Dakotans (Other than Teddy Frickin’ Roosevelt who wasn’t even really a North Dakotan by the way)
• Sex: No Thanks
• Culture: You can’t Spell it without “Cult”
• Getting Out of the House, State
• The North Dakota Test? A, B, C but mostly C.
• North Dakota: Give it a Ponder
NoDaktivities Index
Below is a list of "NoDaktivities," short engaging activities created to help learn about the state. Each takes a child about ten minutes, the approximate time needed to go outside and have a smoke.
• What’s Your North Dakota Name?
• Spot the Difference: Driving on Highway 2
• Summer Vacation
• Homesteading
• Fighting Sioux Logo Hunt
• Why Don’t You Go Outside?
• Which Acerbic-Food-Based North Dakota Festival is Right for You?
• Church Service Bingo
• Milking It: A Cow
• Parent / Teacher Meeting Mad Libs
• How to Get Off an Old Man's Lawn
• North Dakota Maze
• Minot Connect the Dots
• Pin the Last Bison on the Plain
• Writing Your First Letter to the Editor About Property Taxes
• Minuteman Missile Silo or Pole Barn?
• Can You Color the North Dakota Flag?
• Let's Play Tea Party
• Become Governor
• Make Your Own Beet Sugar
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
An Introduction to North Dakota
Before getting started becoming North Dakotan, it is wise to understand how the great Peace Garden State came to be America's most envied.
Some simple background on North Dakota history, geography and general trivia follows. Owing to its majestic, widespread, fertile prairie land, North Dakota is often referred to as "The Great Plains." It is also sometimes referred to as the “High Plains,” which has more to do with the residency halls at the University of North Dakota in Grand Forks and the meth labs in the state's interior. The state is also occasionally known as the "Plain Plains," a nickname which comes from the sartorial nature of the state’s residents. Certain parts of eastern North Dakota are also known as the "Manitoban Baja."
North Dakota claims two major waterways. The Missouri River in the western part of the state and the Red River along the eastern border. The Missouri River is so named as it flows to Missouri (or so it is assumed; it flows south and, who cares). The Red River gets its name from the color of the faces of nearby inhabitants during the frequent years it which it floods its banks, forcing everyone to pump out their basements and buy new furnaces and, damnit, that unit was only five years old! Why don’t we get flood insurance? Do you have any idea what flood insurance costs?! Christ Almighty!
North Dakota’s modern history can be traced back to the French-Canadian La Vérendrye, who started venturing south from Canada to trade with the region's native tribes whose larger selection of big-name retailers, lower sales taxes and better value after the exchange rate were legendary amongst Canadians.
North Dakota officially became part of the United States following the Louisiana Purchase of 1803. The future state had played a large role in Thomas Jefferson’s decision to make the purchase, as is evidenced in his diary: “Saw exquisite deal today in classified section of Le Monde. Some desperate boob named Bonaparte looking to sell Dakota Territory and willing to throw in free several territories of lesser value. Appealing. Made note to look into it tomorrow.”
In 1804 Lewis and Clark arrived from the East and traveled through North Dakota, setting up elementary schools named after themselves.
When statehood finally did come in 1889, it did so under controversy. Many debated which Dakota state should be officially admitted first, the North or South? A few historians from Uzbekistan with limited English refer to this event as America's "Civil War." President Benjamin Harrison had the papers shuffled by anonymous parties and then signed each, blindly, to settle the problem. Yet, the controversial incident has had a lasting effect on the state, resulting in North Dakota residents investing an unreasonable amount of energy in the most trivial and inconsequential of civic debates. Also, many experts argue that it was Harrison’s “lottery” treatment of the North Dakota's very statehood that resulted in the state being one of the only places in the Union where the residents have a pathological desire to play pull tabs.
The 1888 Act by the 50th Congress created the state of North Dakota. The highlights:
1) USA! USA! USA! Love it or leave it!
2) North Dakota! Woo hoo!
3) Section guaranteeing North Dakotans freedom of expression through messages printed on parchments adhered to the bumpers of their automobiles, e.g., "This is NOT My Boyfriend’s Truck”
4) Bad haircuts as inalienable right.
5) Boooooooorrrrrinnng.
6) Beer for all!
7) Declaration including, but not solely limited to, “okey-dokey.”
Early North Dakota politics were defined by gross corruption and graft. After a lot of letters to the editor, a wave of social reformers gained strength and wrote sweeping legislation that reined in business and protected the electorate. Many of these laws were very protectionist in scope and exist to this very day. This creates the massive paradox of a “Red," Republican-leaning state where residents consider themselves paradigms of American-style conservatism where some of the most socialist policies in the nation continue to operate.
North Dakota’s population peaked in about 1930, a year still remembered by many of the state’s elderly, of which there are a disproportionate number when compared with other states.
When it comes to transportation, the state is also an important one for the nation. It is home to a great USA-connecting section of the East-West railway known as the Empire Builder, or, as it is known in North Dakota, The Empire Elsewhere Builder. The completion of the Empire Builder allowed the colonization of the West Coast by a flood of immigrants looking to put their noses to the grindstone for the American Dream of becoming instantly wealthy in the rivers of gold running through the hills of the Pacific coastline. Either that or by grinding their noses against the stones until somebody took pity on them and gave them a nickel for enough hooch to sleep in the muddy street. The flood of travelers who rode the Empire Builder came to know North Dakota as “trainover country.”
Today North Dakota contributes to both the national transportation system and the economy as being a great excuse for an in-flight Sandra Bullock film. Did you see her in that movie "The Proposal" about a boss who falls in love with her administrative assistant in Canada? Adorable!
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
North Dakota Geography
A well-rounded North Dakotan is one who can watch a news report that begins “a man, a deer, and a raccoon in Minot were arrested…” and not ask, "Where is Minot?" Additionally, an adult with a proper North Dakotan upbringing is in touch with the mesmerizing geographical trivia of the state, so as to make engaging cocktail banter in any level of social parlor function in the world. “Did you know Jamestown is home to the world’s only albino bison?” Is the kind of conversation starter that makes careers.
Below is a primer on some of the more important and commonly mentioned geographic locations in North Dakota.
Rugby
This is the geographic center of North America, a fact that makes Rugby an interesting addition to any North Dakotan child’s upbringing. When bringing a teenager to Rugby, be sure to make plenty of lame “you’re in the middle of it now!” jokes to constantly remind your teen that he or she, by virtue of living in North Dakota, is far, far from truly being in the middle of anything. As is noted elsewhere in this guide, this kind of constant reinforcement of being a nobody living in the middle of nowhere is good for developing the true North Dakotan sense of humility.
Rugby's Pioneer Village and Museum houses a display about Cliff Thompson, known as the "world's tallest Norwegian schoolteacher" and also, because back then teacher's weren't the rich, lazy slouches they are today, "the tallest salesman in the world." Thompson went on to achieve some degree of national fame and respect as a star of freak shows. He went by the name “Count Olaf.”
Rugby happens to be home to a true geographic oddity. About a half mile north of Rugby proper is a hill that can be walked up, both ways. There is a schoolhouse at one side of the hill. For grade-school-age children, walk them up this hill, both ways, remembering to constantly berate them by saying “Believe me now?!” For even better results, schedule your visit to the Rugby school hill in February.
Devils Lake
While a comparatively small city, Devils Lake has the geographic distinction of being the nation’s only town with a municipal council that does not recognize apostrophes. The council’s reasoning came during the city’s name change in 1884 from Creel City to Devils Lake. From the town's 1884 Foundation Committee statement: “… that we see apostrophes an agent of the Italian anarchy movement and will see our community fight such treasonous agitation in all its wicked forms.” And while the anarchy movement of the late 19th century withered, Devils Lake’s posture did not. The city, as well as its cultural institutions, like Kellys Bar, to this day refuse to recognize the apostrophe’s existence.
Jamestown
Funny story: Following statehood, it was determined that Jamestown should be the new state capital. Appropriately, all state records were moved there from Bismarck. But before legislators could meet, a small number of Bismarck residents rode, on horseback, 100 miles through a January blizzard, burglarized the courthouse, and retreated to Bismarck with the state records. Today, these men would be terrorists and would likely be subject to extraordinary rendition to an undisclosed nation and water-boarded. It gets better: The records were then essentially held hostage until legislators agreed to move back to Bismarck. And they actually did! But in a case of true North Dakotan grudge-holding, many of the other legislators refused to recognize Bismarck as the capital and to this day there is no official acknowledgment of Bismarck as the capital.
Also, Jamestown is home to White Cloud, the world’s only albino bison.
Minot
Minot became known as the “Magic City” when construction on the great northern railroad came to a stop here during brutal winter conditions. A tent city to shelter workers sprang up quickly, as if “by magic.” Because of this, it is highly recommended visitors to Minot do not pay to see a “magic show.” Whores and liquor businesses poured into Minot to service the encamped men. When they left in the spring to continue work on the rail line, all the whores remained. The whores remained. Minot residents today are all descended from whores. (Hey, don't blame me, I'm just stating facts here!)
During Prohibition, Minot was such a central player in the smuggling of booze from Canada, it became known as “Little Chicago.” In similar style, Minot resident and master bootlegger Magnus “Paleface” Gustofvenson was brought down on parking ticket charges. Today Minot is home to many bars as well as an Air Force base and a boatload of nuclear missiles, a historical confluence of drunkenness, provincialism and firepower that makes it maybe the most truly American place on earth.
Also, that famous star from the "Transformers" movies was born here. No, not Shia LaBeouf. No, not Tyrese. No, not Megan Fox. No not Jon Voight. No, not John Tuturro. Yes, that's right, Josh Duhamel!
Grand Forks
Like almost all of the cities worthy of mention in North Dakota, the area that is now known as Grand Forks was originally an important Native American trade or social place. The French originally called the city “Les Grandes Fourches” which in English means “a place for municipal bickering.” Legend has it that Grand Forks officially became a city after a steamboat captain named Griggs, with his crew, became stranded by ice and was forced to spend a winter in the area. After the “Magic City” Minot, Grand Forks is just one more of North Dakota’s largest, most important cities that owe its existence to a few dudes being trapped by absolutely horrendous winter conditions.
Grand Forks takes its sports very seriously and is the home of the world-class Ralph Engelstad Arena also known as “The Ralph." It is also home to the Betty Engelstad Sioux Center. "The Betty.” The city is also the home of the lesser-known Willis Ang curling arena, “The Wang.”
Like the organ structure of conjoined twins, Grand Forks and East Grad Forks are inexorably linked, with the latter, in Minnesota, functioning as the pollutant-expunging liver.
Do not under any circumstances engage a Grand Forks local on the subject of taxes. Also, the city’s had a few little flood things so, like, check with FEMA before booking your visit.
Theodore Roosevelt National Park (a.k.a The Badlands)
Established in 1978, this national park is named for President Theodore “Not the Wheelchair One” Roosevelt. It carries his namesake because the President had worked in this section of the Badlands as a young man. His experience in this unforgivable ecosystem where almost nothing of value can live let alone flourish perfectly prepared him for national politics. Roosevelt found this his favorite place immediately following the same-day deaths of both his wife and his mother. Makes you want to go, right?
Dickinson
According to many in the church, none of the famous and extraordinary dinosaurs fossils found near Dickinson exist. So there is no reason to go here.
Williston
Best known for its city motto “What you Talkin’ ‘Bout Williston?," the city is near Lake Sakakawea and home to both Fort Union Trading Post and Fort Buford historical sites. The area’s other attraction, “The Confluence,” is so named for the area where the Yellowstone and Missouri rivers come together to conflue.
Wahpeton
Wahpeton is an important migratory area for a number of species, including waterfowl passing to and from Canada and Minnesotans who cannot stand Minnesota tax policy. For this reason, Wahpeton is a great place to hunt either one. University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux, Baltimore Colt and “Greatest Game Ever Played” kicker Steve Myhra was born in Wahpeton.
Bismarck
The state capita, Bismarck is the second largest city in North Dakota. This is where the title to your vehicle gets sent when you register for new license plates. Like every other city in America over 100 years old, it also burned to the ground at one time or another. Maybe like the 1920s, who knows.
Originally called Edwinton, Bismarck changed its name in 1873 to honor the great Otto Von Bismarck, the German chancellor. One can only assume this honor was bestowed on North Dakota’s central governing city after the legislature heard Von Bismarck’s declaration that “There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children, and the United States of America."
Mandan
The beer to Bismarck’s bump, Mandan's name is derived from the Native American tribe of the same name that once called the banks of this section of the Missouri River home. Mandan sits across the mighty Missouri River from Mandan. In this respect, Bismarck and Mandan are like the cities of Buda and Pest, coming together across the Danube to create one of the most architecturally and culturally wealthy cities in the world. Except without any of the second part of that sentence.
Fort Mandan
The location where the Lewis and Clark expedition wimped out in the face of 45-degree-below temperatures in 1804 and 1805. The fort’s exact location is not known, though its replica stands near Washburn, ND, and not in the city of Mandan itself. Fort Mandan represents an extraordinary point in the Lewis and Clark expedition where the native Mandan tribe helped the explorers through an incredibly harsh winter. The tribe was repaid years later with a smallpox epidemic carried by an American Fur Company steamboat. You're welcome.
Lake Sakakawea
The third largest man-made lake in the U.S., Sakakawea was created with the establishment of the Garrison Dam in the 1950s. Lake Sakakawea is named after the Shoshone woman of the same name who assisted Lewis and Clark from Fort Mandan during that tubular backpacking trip they took after college. (She is also known as Sacagawea.) In addition to being remembered with the naming of a lake, Sakakawea has been honored with a federal coin, three or four of which can get you a can of Coca-Cola.
Medora
Medora is one of the most popular tourist attractions in the state. The fact that it was named in 1883 by French nobleman Marquis de Mores for his wife Medora von Hoffman, kind of makes Medora the Taj Mahal of North Dakota. Home to the famed Medora Musical stage act, it also makes it kind of the San Francisco of North Dakota. Medora is also home to the entryway to Theodore Roosevelt National Park, the Cowboy Hall of Fame, Maah Daah Hey Trail, the Pitchfork Fondue festival and the Harold Schafer Heritage Center.
When traveling through many of Mandan’s tourist-engineered sites, ask your children if they understand the irony inherent in the fact that Mandan started as a meat processing facility. Also, be careful when telling your children the family is going to "Medor to explore" as many children mishear this as "Dora the Explorer" and are then tremendously let down later on.
Fargo
Established as a set for the 1996 Oscar-nominated film, Fargo is now the largest city in the state. The filmmakers, known for their intense attention to detail, gave the city an elaborate back-story.
Thanks to its lenient marriage laws, Fargo was known as the Divorce Capital of the Midwest in the 1880s. While it seems this was a smear against the city, it actually signified great progressiveness as the general method of “divorce” in the region at the time was throwing the unwanted wife in a well. Fargo remains hyper-progressive in North Dakota, being the only city in the state where a man can, without scorn, wear a pink shirt or drink white wine, though doing both at the same time is still not recommended, because, why would some damn fool do either to begin with?
As Fargo boomed, thanks to the railroad, it began to compete in importance with other Midwest cities. Things soon got out of hand. Jealous of Chicago’s 1871 version, Fargo’s mayor declared that “Those Shytown bastards haven’t seen a thing" and threw his lit cigar in an oil barrel. The subsequent "Kinda' Great Fargo Fire" of 1893 was a letdown, resulting in only a portion of the damage residents had hoped for. Fifty years later, a tornado would do a much better job; but by that time Chicago’s lead was cemented.
Fargo offers a wide range of [INSERT FEATURE COMMON TO MOST U.S. CITIES] for North Dakota. Also, if you’re looking to get mugged, see your naked ambition turn your life into a shell of self-centered loneliness, watch a wife and/or daughter forced into prostitution, eat sushi, or any one of a number of activities available in most any major city, Fargo is your place in the state.
Finally, it is noteworthy that the terminology “Fargo-Class” refers both to a type of Naval cruisers characterized by a pyramidal superstructure with single-trunked funnel intended to improve AA gun arcs of fire as well as a type of body shape typified by its similarity to said Naval vessel.
West Fargo
Also known as Fargo’s New Jersey, West Fargo has demonstrated a voracious appetite for growth and development. It's an insatiable hunger that lead the city to gobble up and digest nearby Riverside. Visitors are advised not to engage the locals about property taxes.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
The Worldly North Dakota Child
The Worldly North Dakota Child
Just because you are North Dakotan doesn’t mean he or she cannot have a deep understanding and appreciation of world geography and culture. Indeed, North Dakota is home to numerous cities and locations that, while not the places themselves, have almost the exact same names. Phileas Fogg himself would be jealous of the possibilities.
Below is a list of locations in North Dakota that will allow you or your little world traveler the opportunity to return from vacation and declare “We went to Munich!” without it costing you your life savings in Deutsch Marks.
Place: Munich, ND
Equivalent: Munich, Germany
Place: Lisbon, ND
Equivalent: Lisbon, Portugal
Place: Hague, ND
Equivalent: Hague (The), Netherlands
Place: Wimbledon, ND
Equivalent: Wimbledon, England
Place: Ayr, ND
Equivalent: Ayr, England
Place: Berlin, ND
Equivalent: Berlin, Germany
Place: Calia, ND
Equivalent: Calia, Paraguay
Place: Edinburg, ND
Equivalent: Edinburgh, Scotland
Place: Elgin, ND
Equivalent: Elgin, England
Place: Hamburg, ND
Equivalent: Hamburg, Germany
Place: Leeds, ND
Equivalent: Leeds, England
Place: Perth, ND
Equivalent: Perth, Australia
Place: Pisek, ND
Equivalent: Pisek, Czech Republic
Place: St. Thomas, ND
Equivalent: St. Thomas, Virgin Islands
Place: Verona, ND
Equivalent: Verona, Italy
Place: Zeeland, ND
Equivalent: Zeeland, Netherlands
Place: Riverdale, ND
Equivalent: Riverdale, Middle Earth
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Summer Vacation
NoDaktivity: Summer Vacation
Spending summer vacations driving around the state on one of its two highways is one of the main ways North Dakotans learn to appreciate and love their home state. Use the handy chart below when deciding which historical North Dakota city you will visit.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity:
NoDaktivity:
Which acerbic food-based North Dakota Festival is right for you?
Sauerkraut Days
Wishek, ND
October
Rhubarb Festival
Washburn, ND / Grand Forks, ND
June
Chokecherry Festival
Casselton, ND
July
Norsk Høstfest
Minot, ND
Sept. / October
Wishek, ND
October
Rhubarb Festival
Washburn, ND / Grand Forks, ND
June
Chokecherry Festival
Casselton, ND
July
Norsk Høstfest
Minot, ND
Sept. / October
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
Pregnancy: A North Dakota Condition
Beet Baths
While many know of the Dead Sea mud bath, few outside the state have heard of the healing qualities of the beet bath. Place three pails-full of fresh beets into very hot water and let stew for ten minutes. Enter the bath and soak. Stretch marks. Sore back. Indigestion. Hemorrhoids. All might be cured by this legendary beet bath. Why not?
Auditory
There is now evidence of a connection between the sounds a baby hears in-utero and the type of child he or she turns out to be. For example, science has shown a baby that is exposed to Mozart during gestation more often than not turns out to be a pretentious prick. A North Dakota child should be exposed to the sounds of the state, including prairie winds on tall wheat, the song of the Western Meadowlark and geese, the hoot of a passing train, and old men complaining about every, last, possible, thing you can imagine. Keep your eyes out for this book’s accompanying CD of sounds for the pregnant North Dakotan, to be released sometime in the future.
Cold Weather Preparation
Starting in the third trimester, packing ice around your swollen belly can help prepare your child for the rigors of North Dakota winters. A mom-to-be should lie on her side and carefully place bags of ice around the stomach. These bags can remain in place until 20 minutes after feeling is lost in the skin. Alternatively, if the mother happens to be lucky enough to be pregnant during winter, an acceptable alternative is to go outside, pull up the shirt exposing skin, and lie face down in a snow drift, attending again to the 20 minutes after numbness rule.
Hospital “Go” Bag
When the time comes for the four hour drive to the nearest hospital, you will want to have a “go bag” made up to save time. This bag should prepare you for the trip and the stay in the birthing center. In addition to a change of clothing, there are a few other items to consider for a North Dakotan Go Bag.
- Winch
- VFW Hall Coupons
- Agreed-upon name list
- Secret name list
- Wife
- Heath Insurance Card
- Portable radio
- List of local channels playing the Sioux game
- Six Pack (Note: Most hospitals are neither on- nor off-sale.)
Health Insurance
Didn’t get a chance to establish residency in Minnesota in time to get their state-sponsored health insurance? No worries. Cut out the card below and present it when you arrive at the hospital. By the time they figure out it isn’t real you’ll be back on the highway on the way home.
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
Naming
North Dakotans are liberal and accepting when it comes to naming a baby. Though there are some pitfalls of which parents looking to raise a proper North Dakotan child will want to steer clear.
Name: Dakota
If you actually live in North Dakota, do not under and circumstances name your baby “Dakota.” Your child will be laughed at for the Orange County California wannabes his or her parents are.
Name: Sioux
There may be some of you actually considering naming your child “Fighting Sioux” as a protest of how upset you are about the UND mascot brouhaha. This is as insane as it is poorly though out. If a girl, expect her to move to New York and never talk to you again. She will tell her friends her parents died in peddle-boat accident and she will marry a closeted homosexual man who runs an upscale knitting boutique in the West Village. Alternatively, she will wind up in Fargo “working the pole.” If a boy, your son will be so maladjusted that he’ll end up being a unsuccessful enforcer for the Bruins.
Name: Jody (Jodi)
For reasons that have been long lost to history, “Jody” (or “Jodi”) is an acceptable name for a North Dakotan boy. Use this name at your own risk. Because it is not understood the roots of this being acceptable, said acceptance could evaporate in less than a generation, leaving your boy to spend decades named “Jody,” which will at that time be the equivalent of “Mary.” If you are still unconvinced, at least give him a solid middle name to fall back on, such as “The Hammer.”
Name: Lewis & Clark
If you have twin boys this would be pretty frickin' awesome.
Name: Theodore
It is a sad truth that while the state of North Dakota is more commonly associates "Theodore” with rough-rider, rancher, preservationist, president of the United States and all-around bad-ass Theodore Roosevelt, much of the rest of the nation hears this name and thinks of the fat and “slow” chipmunk that, with Alvin and Simon, rounded out the trio.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: What's Your North Dakota Name?
NoDaktivity: What's Your North Dakota Name?
Many who have moved away from North Dakota or do not have traditional Dakota heritage have never known the joys of having a solid North Dakotan last name. But this is easily changed.
Take your last name and then attach any one of the below suffixes. For an extra prairie pizzazz, add umlauts to any letter “a” “u” and a slash through any letter “o.”
Suffixes
-sson -rud -svärd
-björn -holm -gaard
-qvis -strom -staad
-sson -rud -svärd
-björn -holm -gaard
-qvis -strom -staad
For example: “Martinez” becomes “Märtinezstrom,” or “Märtinezgaard.” While “Muhammad” becomes “Mühämmädsson,” “Mühämmädrud,” or “Mühämmädholm.”
Congratulations Jeremiah Røsenbäümbjorn and Mei Li Wøngqvist, you’re North Dakotans!
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
Allowance
Teaching financial responsibility is of immense importance to the foundation of a proper North Dakotan. Without a solid fiscal education, North Dakota would today be in no better financial straights than the People’s Republic of Minnesota to the east. A proper North Dakotan base also teaches the sharp rhetorical skills and tricks an adult North Dakotan will need to complain about federal spending while at the same time living in a tremendous federal welfare state.
A great way to start teach fiscal responsibility begins in childhood with an allowance.
When allocating your child’s allowance, several factors need to be considered, including your household income, living expenses in your part of the state (or elsewhere) and the amount of work the child will be doing
Note: Never give a child an allowance for doing nothing. This is called welfare. Ronald Reagan proved welfare didn't work for freedom and liberty against evil in the new morning in America, and it won’t work in your home.
Some North Dakotan parents like to use a mathematical formula for calculating their child’s allowance.
Now that you’ve determined the amount your child is going to get for his or her allowance, it is time to determine what currency you will use. It's true that allowances needn’t be cold hard cash. Instead, an allowance can be an equivalent. Although, food stamps are not considered acceptable for paying allowances.
For example, It is widely accepted that paying a North Dakotan child's allowance in potatoes is fair. Simply look up your nearest commodities market to determine the dollar-to-pound conversion. For example, a $5 allowance, where potatoes are $0.75 per pound, means you owe your child 6-2/3 pounds of potatoes.
Now you need to decide what chores your child will be doing in exchange for this allowance.
Chores and their equivalent U.S. dollar values (good through 2018 or whenever America begins using the UN New Order Dollar):
- Potato picking - $0.50 / hour
- Beet sugaring - $0.50 / hour
- Taking out the garbage - $0.50 / hour
- Taking out the “empties” - $0.50 / hour
- Picking up take-out - $0.50 / hour
- Painting the fence - $0.50 / hour
- Getting friends to paint the fence - $0
- Doing the taxes - $1.50 / hour (Less $1 for every mistake the IRS catches)
- Wash the car - $0.50 / hour
- Water plants - $0.20 / hour
- Vacuuming - $0.50 / hour
- Folding laundry - $0.50 / hour
- Rake leaves - $0.50 / hour
- Shovel snow - $1.00 / fallen inch
- Cleaning up the house - $0.30 / hour
- Working the washer/dryer- $0.30 / hour
- Working the land- $0.50 / hour
- Working the corner - $12.00/ hour (plus commission)
- Feeding the cat/dog/horse/grandpa - $0.50 / hour
- Babysitting- $0.50 / hour - $0.60 / hour
- Dusting - $0.50 / hour
- “Never ever never letting anyone know daddy got in trouble with Mr. Policeman. Not even mommy.” - $10.00 + $2.00/month
- Outhouse relocation - $3.00
- Grandma wrangling - $0.65 / hour
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
Manners
A proper North Dakotan can always be identified by his or her exquisite manners. North Dakotans, and especially their children, boast manners based on three core principles.
1) No Thank You
A proper North Dakotan child will always turn down the offer of anything from anyone who is not his or her parent. While at a friend’s, the mother offers to go through the trouble of making a special meal? “No thank you.” Want some help cutting that grass? “No thank you.” Sinking in quicksand and soon to die do you want a vine to grab onto? “No thank you.” In the cases where the offer of something is to be received, the minimum number of times a proper North Dakotan child should turn it down before accepting is five. If the offer is only extended four times then he or she apparently didn’t need it that bad then.
2) It Could be Worse
You betcha’ it could. Think it’s cold here? Could be worse. Think there’s nothing to do in this small town? Could be worse. That smell drifting in from the plant? Could be worse.
The core of a North Dakota child’s understanding about the world is that it, could, be, worse. And for any child with that always in mind, it’s not so bad.
3) Discussing the Weather
At the heart of how a state of independent, easily incensed, often self-destructively rebellious peoples is able to go about their days with such, ugh, m o r o n s, is the ability to talk about the weather. The weather plays no favorites. And unlike, say, taxes or reproductive rights, your neighbor’s opinion of it doesn’t matter to you. Talking about the weather also gives grandparents and grandchildren something to do for more than six minutes.
This is why talking about the weather leads all conversations and it is through talking about the weather that all non-weather conversations get started. Think of weather talk as the spark that lights the fire. Based on research done at North Dakota State University, the following flowchart shows the lifecycle of a North Dakota conversation about weather.
SAMPLE CHAPTER:
Culture
FilmWhat film best represents what it’s like living in North Dakota? Many would certainly say that this honor belongs to the film Fargo. In reality, Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal is far more North Dakotan than Fargo, and not just because the Cohen brothers are Minneapolis Jews and Bergman was Scandinavian.
Like the state it embodies, the film is an unsubtle allegory about what it means to be human. Death himself is a major character, interacting with the protagonist and challenging his belief in life's meaning and his very faith in God. These are sentiments with which anyone having spent a winter in North Dakotan will be intimately familiar.
Dance
The official North Dakota state dance is the square dance. American square dancing is derived from the folk dances of numerous immigrant cultures, including those of the British, Caledonians, and Skuares, a forgotten culture known for its inability to make anything but a right turn. A Skuare cultural massacre took place in 1923, with the popularization of the square dance move "Allemande Left," an activity later punished harshly by the House Committee on Un-American Activities.
Like polio and Flag Day, square dancing was largely eradicated in America by the late 20th century. Yet, a healthy number of square dancing groups still operate throughout the state. Many children, especially in rural areas, attend square dancing lessons in school as part of their physical education classes, because nothing makes you a man like prancing around in little circles.
As with many things North Dakotan, the name, "square-dance," wastes nothing. It at once describes the motion through which the dance is performed while at the same time describing the social position of those performing it.
Square dancing is generally made up of movements using an eight count, with each dance consisting of a set of moves for the dancers to follow. Typical square dance choreography is comprised of four parts called A1, A2, B1, and B2. A count is one half of a musical measure, or a quarter note in 2/4 time, also a three-eighth note in 6/8 time. It is also a dude from old Europe who may or may not drink your blood. A count is also known as a step.
The “caller” calls the dance by describing directions to the dancers through a code of square dance terms. Typical square dance “call” terms include: allemande; butterfly whirl; do-si-do; promenade: sashay; and ladies chain (not to be confused with Ladies Chain™, a line of pornographic videos). In some ways, square dance callers are the original free-form rap artists. In almost every other way they are not.
Some classic examples of calls that would make up a dance include:
Allemande left, with the corner maid;
Meet your own and promenade.
Cat in the barn, rat in her mouth
Grab your honey and head her south.
Ambulances and big black hearses;
Swing those doctors; swing those nurses.
Bow to you partner and the corner miss;
To the opposite lady, just blow a kiss.
If you like this book so might your brother;
Then open that wallet and buy a-nother.
"Square Dance" is also the name of an advanced math problem. It is not popular in North Dakota or anywhere else.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Being Governor
Nothing is more fun than being governor of a state, and that’s especially true when you’re the top politician in a state as politically important as North Dakota. The possibilities for fun are endless. To play, first cut along the dotted line of the mustache.
Using tape or glue or the gum in your mouth, attach the mustache onto your top lip just below your nose. Now walk around the house and orate: "Working together, in the last legislative session, we set aside $200 million in our Budget Stabilization Fund, and another $200 million in our Permanent Oil Tax Trust Fund. As I speak to you today, we have set forth a plan to begin the next biennium with reserves of $600 million and to grow those reserves to between $800 million and $1.2 billion.”
See, isn’t that fun?
SAMPLE CHAPTER
North Dakota? A, B or C: A Quiz
North Dakota? A, B or C: A Quiz
The North Dakotan Guide believes in accountability, be it in Washington DC or Iraq, just as long as its not in my back yard. Like with the No Child Left Behind Act, this book mandates testing to establish higher standards of readership. Before proceeding with the book, please complete the below test and mail to our testing facility care of "North Dakota Guide Test Authority Bureau of Compliance Administration" at:
PO Box N3698
Fall River, WI
53932
The test is timed and you will have 45 minutes to complete it. North Dakotans are firm believers in the honor system so please mark your test as "INVALID" should you go over. (We may not be watching, but He is.)
BEGIN TEST NOW
North Dakota's official state beverage is?
a. Schnapps
b. Potato Juice
c. Milk
North Dakota's unofficial state beverage is?
a. Schnapps
b. "Potato Juice"
c. All of the above
The town of Rutland cooked and ate the world's largest what? It weighted 3,591 pounds.
a. "Ziplock" Omelet
b. Squirrel
c. Hamburger
Casselton resident Max Taubert built a 50-foot-high pyramid of what? It is believed to be the highest structure of its kind in the world.
a. Hockey pucks
b. Oil cans
c. Loneliness
Turtle Lake is home to a two-ton sculpture of a what?
a. That actor from HBO's "Entourage"
b. A lake
c. A turtle
In 1934, a golfer name George Wegener shot an international hole-in-one as he drove a ball from a tee in Canada into a hole on a green in the United States. What else is George Wegener known for?
a.
b.
c.
One of the United States first mosques in was built i the town of Ross by Muslim homesteaders in what year?
a. 12 B.C.
b. 9/11
c. 1929
A rare characteristics of the Red River is that it...?
a. Tastes like Kool-Aid
b. Is not red as its name suggests. LIAR!
c. flows north.
An odd state law says that no establishment can serve a beer...?
a. to a Minnesotan.
b. with a gay lemon wedge.
c. with pretzels.
What famous product was invented in the state and derives its name from “Dakota?”
a. Skoda automobiles
b. Dakota Fanning
c. Kodak film
When federal troops arrested Indian activist and leader Sitting Bull at Fort Yates, authorities botched the arrest by...?"
a. not reading him his Miranda rights.
b. failing to have the proper warrant.
c. shooting him in the back of the head.
There are more registered vehicles in North Dakota than there are...?
a. registered handguns
b. unregistered handguns
c. residents
Angie Dickinson was born in North Dakota. She famously appeared in...?
a. Fargo
b. Rio Bravo
c. The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
Despite the libertarian, anti-central-government posturing of many of its residents, North Dakota is a federal welfare state, getting back $1.75 for every tax dollar it sends to Washington D.C. Consequently, a North Dakota commemorative quarter (25 cents) is worth:
a. a draft Budweiser (Tuesday night only)
b. 32 cents
c. 25 cents
North Dakota State University's research experiment station in Hettinger is the nation's largest state-owned research center for what kind of mammal?
a. Ferrets
b. Party Animals
c. Sheep
The North Dakota sate flag contains the phrase "E Pluribus Unum." Yet, how many state institutes of higher learning offer Latin?
a. 0
b. zero
c. nullus
Before George "The Mustache" Custer made his last stand, in what North Dakota fort was he stationed?
a. Fort Myers
b. Fort Abraham Lincoln
c. Fortress of Solitude
North Dakota is home to several species of snake. Which is the only poisonous one?
a. Your ex-wife's lawyer
b. Local City Council President
c. Prairie Rattler
President Jefferson was a notorious tax-and-spending pork-barrel socialist. How much of America's money did he piss away to pay for Lewis & Clark's pointless "academic" research project?
a. $10 billion
b. $2 million
c. $2,500
At the turn of the 19th century, having a slave was like having an iPod. What was the name of the slave Clark took with him on the famous expedition?
b. iKunta
c. Yo
The two images of North Dakotans above are more than 100 years apart. Yet, one thing in North Dakota has changed since 1887. What is it?
a. Womenfolk still so damn chatty
b. Unwillingness to increase taxes to pay for flood control measures
c. Photography
DO NOT CONTINUE UNTIL RECEIPT OF APPROVED TEST RESULTS*
*Allow six to eight weeks for delivery of results.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Make Your Own Beet Sugar
Thanks to the Napoleonic Wars, France and much of Europe was cut off from the Caribbean sugar supply. This was an emergency for the populations that were accustomed to frequent tea breaks in between days spent bloodily killing each other. Enter the humble beet, which can produce delicious sugar without any of the pesky ancillary elements of the sugar trade like great weather or white sand beaches.
Beet sugaring took off and today 30 percent of the world's sugar comes from beets. North Dakota is one of the largest sugar beet producers nationwide, accounting for nearly 6 million tons per year, or about 10 tons per every North Dakotan.
Sugar beet processing results in a variety of byproducts, just one of which is a delicious aroma treasured by generations of North Dakotans. Ask any resident who ever lived near a Crystal Sugar beet plant, and he or she will tell you. It’s unforgettable. But you needn’t miss out on this truest of true North Dakotan experience just because you don’t live near a plant. Below is a quick and easy recipe for making beet sugar in your own kitchen.
What You’ll Need
- Two pounds of sugar beets
- Pan
- Colander or strainer
- Mom’s permission
2) Chop beets into small pieces.
3) Place beets in a large pot. Add enough water to prevent them sticking.
4) Cook until beets soften and lose color.
5) Strain beets, saving the juice. (Boiled beets can be saved for delicious Borscht.)
6) Put juice back on the burner and simmer it until thick and syrupy. Stir constantly.
7) Let cool. Syrup will start to crystallize. Cover with a towel or cloth. Let sit overnight.
8) Remove crystallized beet sugar from pan, breaking it up into smaller granules.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Paint by Numbers
NoDaktivity: Paint by Numbers
There is nothing that helps a child appreciate the intricacies of the state's many geographic splendors like painting a charming North Dakota landscape. Use the paint-by-numbers color code below to fill in and complete a splendid painting of a January North Dakota panorama.
1. blue 2. pink
3. white 4. black
5. brown 6. red
7. green 8. yellow
9. purple 10. orange
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Homesteading
NoDaktivity: Homesteading
Signed into law by Abraham Lincoln, The Homestead Act granted 160 acres of land outside the original 13 colonies to anyone who applied for and settled it. America’s original “Free iPod!” scam, the program led to nearly 300,000,000 acres of land being settled between the 1860s and 1980s. Homesteading played a huge role in the settling of North Dakota. From 1879 until statehood, more than 100,000 homesteaders came to North Dakota and another 250,000 arrived between1895 and 1914. To this day, the state’s character owes much to these homesteaders.
Of course, homesteading in North Dakota wasn’t all wine and roses. In fact, from what’s understood, homesteaders drank stagnant puddle water instead of wine and gave their beloveds nettles instead of roses. This may account for the popularity of the term "itching to get married."
Homesteading got its name from the combination of "home" and "instead of," because what homesteaders got when they arrived at their North Dakota parcel was something "instead of" a home. Unless you consider a hole in the side of a hill a proper home, in which case, many got very proper homes. Homesteading was also hard work, with most arriving on their parcels with no shelter and little food. And without the Today Show’s Al Roker to jovially prepare them, they had a stupefying ignorance of what the winters would bring.
Many North Dakotan children have great-grandparents who can still bore them to tears with tales of nearly freezing to death and machine-like great great grandparents who worked 40-hour days in 60-below temperatures farming dirt for the dirt market. Sadly, most North Dakotan children no longer are exposed to great learning experiences like frostbite and early onset rheumatism. What’s more, today's child cannot truly understand what many North Dakotan children once endured.
To help your little North Dakotans-in-training grasp what it was like when the “X-box” was the pine container they were buried in when they died of smallpox, you can have a family Homesteader Night. It’s fun and easy.
First, if you can, pick a night in the winter. To prepare for the night, turn off the heat and open a few windows. Ideally, you want to be wearing three layers at the warmest point in the day, around 3:00 pm, just to stay comfortable.
Food: Prepare your family’s normal breakfast, lunch and dinner. But then throw half of it away before eating. Homesteading families rarely had enough to eat and commonly went through their days and nights with pangs of hunger. Children of the time called these "tummy ouchies." If your children complain about wanting a snack, give them some candle wax and tell them it is 1880s “Bubble Yum.” If you have some hard candies ready, you can distribute two to each child. Be sure to say “Merry Christmas” when you do this.
During the day, all children over the age of five should be put to work doing something. If you don’t have any necessary work around the house, have each one dig and refill a hole in the yard forty or fifty times. Children younger than five can spend the day playing in the dirt pile.
At bedtime, after blowing out the candles (no electricity!), the entire family should retire to a small square on the floor where all of you will sleep huddled up under as many blankets as you can find. Feel everyone sharing warmth to survive the night? Now that’s family bonding! For even more reality, have everyone forgo showering or bathing for several days before bunking down together.
If you have a family with two or more children, wake one up in the middle of the night and have him or her go to bed upstairs. Tell the rest of the family that he or she is dead of typhoid. Alternatively, mothers can dismiss themselves for the night during dinner. Dad should explain that mom died in childbirth and will not be participating anymore, ever.
To get the full effect, homesteading night should really be done for several nights in a row. It is unlikely your child will go for this. But at least he or she will begin to understand what North Dakotan children before them went through.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Let's Play Tea Party
NoDaktivity: Let's Play Tea Party
What you will need to play: Cardboard for signs. Paper. Glue. Markers, Sprinkles. A valid conceal carry permit for a handgun.
How to play:
Tell you child about some apparent injustice. A good start is "It should be part of my free liberty to have my dessert first. This house is an increasing socialist police state." Next, have your child call a few of his or her friends for a get together on the lawn. For this activity, the children should all make signs with catchy phrases wittily summing up their positions.
Is your child having trouble choosing a great slogan for his or her sign. Below are some starter ideas:
- I Voted for Ice Cream not Cream of Broccoli.
- Who the hell is John Galt?
- Hands off my Everything.
- Meals not Meatloaf!
- Pork: Why don't they just call it "pig?"
- Diaper Change we can believe in!
- Corn is Scorn!
- You can have my toys when you pry them from my cold dead hands.
- The only thing trickling down is on my leg.
- You know who else liked Bedtime? Hitler.
The first child to successfully compare a parent's behavior to Hitler's wins!
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Spot the Difference - Highway 2 Edition
NoDaktivity: Spot the Difference - Highway 2 Edition
Can you spot the four differences between these two pictures taken of traffic on Highway 2 during an Alberta clipper.
ANSWERS
1) The truck carrying a load of potatoes in Picture 1 is carrying beets in Picture 2.
2) The Pontiac driver in Picture 1 has a blood alcohol level of .04. In Picture 2 it is .19.
3) It is night in Picture 2.
4) In Picture 2 there is a deer directly in front of your car. It is not there in Picture 1.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
NoDaktivity: Logo Hunt - Fighting Sioux Edition
NoDaktivity: Logo Hunt - Fighting Sioux Edition
Can you find all of the offensive Fighting Sioux logos in the image below? Don't forget the massive one inlaid in the granite of the main concourse!
SAMPLE CHAPTER
North Dakota: Go on, Give it a Ponder
North Dakota: Go on, Give it a Ponder
If North Dakota seceded from the United States, it would be the world's third strongest nuclear power. It's not really a question.
The Red River has experienced a massive flood twice in the last 15 years. Yet everyone refers to these floods as a "100 Year Flood." Why?
The meadowlark, the state bird, is protected by law in its natural habitat. Meanwhile, gay or lesbian North Dakotans can be evicted or fired, with no civil rights protections at all. Discuss.
"Only the Best Come North" is the motto of the Minot Air Force Base, located in the desolate northern center of the state. Yet, as servicemen, these Air Force members go wherever they are told, so would "Only the Best are forced against their will to go North" be more accurate?
Just over 10,000 years ago, the eastern part of North Dakota's was a vast glacial lake bed. According to the Bible, the state's most popular book, this is impossible. Why do scientists lie?
Sacagawea was considered an Indian savage by Lewis & Clark expedition members. Yet her French-Canadian husband, Toussaint Charbonneau, took her as his wife when she was just 13 years old. Who does your daughter want to marry when she's 13?
